I have just been created. By the miracle of life I have been formed. I am only but two cells and you don’t even know I exist yet. I am here and I already love and need you. I know you feel different and that’s a good thing. It’s your body subconsciously telling you I am here and I love you to the depths of my soul.
I have a notochord which allows me to have brain function. You have not even missed your first period yet, so you still don’t know I am here, but I still love you and can’t wait for the moment you discover I am here loving you. My heart is developing and I know it will grow to love everything about you. I now have a regular heart beat that beats in synchronicity with yours. I have a face and ears and I think I am going to look a lot like you. I hope so, I know you must be beautiful. I would love to grow up and be a doctor someday and understand this exact science of life and how it is created. And I want to be a dad so that I can have lots of little me’s. I can’t wait to learn and go to school and know what it’s like to be a friend, enemy, brother, uncle, nephew, father, class clown, honor student, and sky diver.
32 days old I am today and your heart beat is a little funny. You are making me a little nervous, but I know it’s just excitement and wonder about why your period has not come yet. Don’t worry. As soon as you know I am here with you, I know you will feel so much better.
I am 40 days old today and I think my hands will be big like my fathers and as soon as I am born I will be able to use these awesome new lungs I have developed. I might even be in the guinness book for being able to hold my breath for the longest period of time.
You went on a stick yesterday, I know because you were very tense yet happy at the same time. Your heart skipped a beat and I knew right then and there that you loved me and I was safe and secure and warm and nurtured with you.
I am 45 days old today and we went to the doctor for the first time. You were nervous, but I knew you would do great. You got to hear my heart beat today and you said, “wow.” I know in that moment you were saying I love you and can’t wait to meet you too. Tonight you talked to me until I fell asleep and then this morning you were singing. I love the sound of your voice. It calms me and makes me feel safe and loved. I can’t wait to meet my daddy. I haven’t heard a males voice in a while and was wondering when we would be introduced?
I am 8 weeks old today! Happy birthday to me! We are going to meet my daddy today, I can tell by you rapid heart beat and shallow breaths. You must be so excited because I have never felt you feel this way before. Mommy? Why is daddy yelling? Mommy? Why are you yelling? Everyone stop yelling! I can hear you just fine, but you are both angry and I feel restricted. I wish you could see my scared little face. I have eyelids clenched and I have tightened fists from the restriction, but I know you are just celebrating my upcoming arrival.
Thank you for holding me today. It feels good when I know you are there. I kicked you today and you cried. I hope I didn’t hurt you. I didn’t think I was big enough or strong enough to hurt you. Next week when we go to the doctor you will know my gender and learn that I am going to be a beautiful baby boy. I hope you are okay with that. I promise to be good and not be too gross or rowdy. My daddy will be so happy to know that I am going to be a boy. I can only imagine all the great things we will do when I am older, like riding bikes and learning to play baseball. We will also learn at the doctors visit that I have many functioning internal organs, toe nails and finger nails, eyebrows that are shaped much like my daddy’s, but you won’t know that until I am born. I even will have a little hair on my head, sorry about the heart burn my hair growth causes. Just know that I will have beautiful curly black hair like you when I am born and the heart burn will be worth it.
I am now 20 weeks old and we are on our way to the doctor again. I guess when your pregnant you have to go to the doctor a lot, but I am sure I will learn all of this in medical school when I get older. I am now almost a foot long and weigh about 2 pounds. You can hear my heart beat again and this time it is much stronger than the first time. I can feel you start to cry and you are talking to the doctor or more crying at the doctor. I can tell she is trying to soothe you, but you are still crying. Please mommy don’t cry. I am always here for you and I want you to know that I love you and will be with you forever. When I am born my goal in life will be to protect you and make sure no one ever hurts you or disappoints you or fails you, I know I won’t.
I am 21 weeks old and mommy you haven’t talked to me in a couple of days. I think it has been since we last went to the doctor. You haven’t sang to me, you haven’t played music for me, in fact you have hardly fed me. I hope daddy is taking care of you and making sure you eat properly. I don’t want anything to happen to you. I want you to be healthy as a horse so on the day that I am born we can bond for hours without interruption.
I am 24 weeks old today. If I were born today, with a little luck and a lot of love from you and daddy and the doctors and of course some incubator time, I could be a healthy baby boy in just a couple of months, but meeting you face to face would be worth the incubator time! We are going to the doctors and you still haven’t said much to me lately. Your singing has stopped all together and you eat a lot of junk that makes me kind of sick, and you drink a lot of stuff that makes me feel dizzy a weird. I hope the doctor tells you what you should and should not be ingesting because I am starting to not feel too good. Between the lack of communication and poor diet, I don’t know, I just feel funny.
The doctor is examining you now and your heart beat is racing and you are making me feel really nervous and a little scared. I see a bright light down by my feet! Am I coming out to see you finally after all this time? I can’t wait to meet my loving mother who has carried me for 24 weeks, what a long time it has been. You are so relaxed now, almost like you are asleep, but I hear your voice. I can’t wait to see you! Ouch! I feel like I am being pulled really hard Ouch. Ouch. Mommy that hurts! Why is the doctor hurting me? I see a lot of light, I am very weak and it is getting colder the further out I come. I hope this is not how all births are or that you don’t remember as you get older what birth is like because it is just as painful for the baby as for the mommy. I thought I heard you say, “I don’t want to see it.” I feel so light.
Mommy why can’t I see your face? Why can’t I feel anything? I can’t hear you any more? Mommy where are you? Oh. I see. I see you, but you are very far away. You look sad. But where am I? Something just told me I am in heaven, but how can that be? I thought heaven would be after birth, after my life with you, after my life with my family and my children? Did you choose for me to leave so soon? Did you choose to not have a life with me? Mommy I love you from the moment you and daddy created me. I loved every second of our bond together those long and wonderful 24 weeks.
I wish I new what life felt like. I wish I could have gone to school. I wish I could have had a beautiful baby boy just like me. I wish I could hold your hand and tell you that I loved you. Why didn’t you give me that choice? What did I do wrong? Did I do something that made you send me away? I wanted a life with you, but my physical heart has stopped, my hands will never touch yours and my feet will never follow yours. I will never know what it is like to try spinach for the first time or to take my first step or to win my first award. I will never know what it is like to grow or to fall in love or to make the choice to go to college or become a musician. No one will ever know what my voice sounds like or if I would have cured cancer after medical school or if I would have not gone to medical school and become the next president of the United States.
I hope that someday you think of me and know that even though I was not born yet, I still had a brain and a heart. I had arms and legs and lungs. I had hair and eyes and teeth and I could move on my own. I hope you know how much I loved you even though you didn’t love me back. I loved you.
Unnamed Baby Boy