Monthly Archives: September 2011

Unnamed Baby Boy


I have just been created. By the miracle of life I have been formed. I am only but two cells and you don’t even know I exist yet. I am here and I already love and need you. I know  you feel different and that’s a good thing. It’s your body subconsciously telling you I am here and I love you to the depths of my soul.

I have a notochord which allows me to have brain function. You have not even missed your first period yet, so you still don’t know I am here, but I still love you and can’t wait for the moment you discover I am here loving you. My heart is developing and I know it will grow to love everything about you. I now have a regular heart beat that beats in synchronicity with yours. I have a face and ears and I think I am going to look a lot like you. I hope so, I know you must be beautiful. I would love to grow up and be a doctor someday and understand this exact science of life and how it is created. And I want to be a dad so that I can have lots of little me’s. I can’t wait to learn and go to school and know what it’s like to be a friend, enemy, brother, uncle, nephew, father, class clown, honor student, and sky diver.

32 days old I am today and your heart beat is a little funny. You are making me a little nervous, but I know it’s just excitement and wonder about why your period has not come yet. Don’t worry. As soon as you know I am here with you, I know you will feel so much better.

I am 40 days old today and I think my hands will be big like my fathers and as soon as I am born I will be able to use these awesome new lungs I have developed. I might even be in the guinness book for being able to hold my breath for the longest period of time.

You went on a stick yesterday, I know because you were very tense yet happy at the same time. Your heart skipped a beat and I knew right then and there that you loved me and I was safe and secure and warm and nurtured with you.

I am 45 days old today and we went to the doctor for the first time. You were nervous, but I knew you would do great. You got to hear my heart beat today and you said, “wow.” I know in that moment you were saying I love you and can’t wait to meet you too. Tonight you talked to me until I fell asleep and then this morning you were singing. I love the sound of your voice. It calms me and makes me feel safe and loved. I can’t wait to meet my daddy. I haven’t heard a males voice in a while and was wondering when we would be introduced?

I am 8 weeks old today! Happy birthday to me! We are going to meet my daddy today, I can tell by you rapid heart beat and shallow breaths. You must be so excited because I have never felt you feel this way before. Mommy? Why is daddy yelling? Mommy? Why are you yelling? Everyone stop yelling! I can hear you just fine, but you are both angry and I feel restricted. I wish you could see my scared little face. I have eyelids clenched and I have tightened fists from the restriction, but I know you are just celebrating my upcoming arrival.

Thank you for holding me today. It feels good when I know you are there. I kicked you today and you cried. I hope I didn’t hurt you. I didn’t think I was big enough or strong enough to hurt you. Next week when we go to the doctor you will know my gender and learn that I am going to be a beautiful baby boy. I hope you are okay with that. I promise to be good and not be too gross or rowdy. My daddy will be so happy to know that I am going to be a boy. I can only imagine all the great things we will do when I am older, like riding bikes and learning to play baseball. We will also learn at the doctors visit that I have many functioning internal organs, toe nails and finger nails, eyebrows that are shaped much like my daddy’s, but you won’t know that until I am born. I even will have a little hair on my head, sorry about the heart burn my hair growth causes. Just know that I will have beautiful curly black hair like you when I am born and the heart burn will be worth it.

I am now 20 weeks old and we are on our way to the doctor again. I guess when your pregnant you have to go to the doctor a lot, but I am sure I will learn all of this in medical school when I get older. I am now almost a foot long and weigh about 2 pounds. You can hear my heart beat again and this time it is much stronger than the first time. I can feel you start to cry and you are talking to the doctor or more crying at the doctor. I can tell she is trying to soothe you, but you are still crying. Please mommy don’t cry. I am always here for you and I want you to know that I love you and will be with you forever. When I am born my goal in life will be to protect you and make sure no one ever hurts you or disappoints you or fails you, I know I won’t.

I am 21 weeks old and mommy you haven’t talked to me in a couple of days. I think it has been since we last went to the doctor. You haven’t sang to me, you haven’t played music for me, in fact you have hardly fed me. I hope daddy is taking care of you and making sure you eat properly. I don’t want anything to happen to you. I want you to be healthy as a horse so on the day that I am born we can bond for hours without interruption.

I am 24 weeks old today. If I were born today, with a little luck and a lot of love from you and daddy and the doctors and of course some incubator time, I could be a healthy baby boy in just a couple of months, but meeting you face to face would be worth the incubator time! We are going to the doctors and you still haven’t said much to me lately. Your singing has stopped all together and you eat a lot of junk that makes me kind of sick, and you drink a lot of stuff that makes me feel dizzy a weird. I hope the doctor tells you what you should and should not be ingesting because I am starting to not feel too good. Between the lack of communication and poor diet, I don’t know, I just feel funny.

The doctor is examining you now and your heart beat is racing and you are making me feel really nervous and a little scared. I see a bright light down by my feet! Am I coming out to see you finally after all this time? I can’t wait to meet my loving mother who has carried me for 24 weeks, what a long time it has been. You are so relaxed now, almost like you are asleep, but I hear your voice. I can’t wait to see you! Ouch! I feel like I am being pulled really hard Ouch. Ouch. Mommy that hurts! Why is the doctor hurting me? I see a lot of light, I am very weak and it is getting colder the further out I come. I hope this is not how all births are or that you don’t remember as you get older what birth is like because it is just as painful for the baby as for the mommy. I thought I heard you say, “I don’t want to see it.” I feel so light.

Mommy why can’t I see your face? Why can’t I feel anything? I can’t hear you any more? Mommy where are you? Oh. I see. I see you, but you are very far away. You look sad. But where am I? Something just told me I am in heaven, but how can that be? I thought heaven would be after birth, after my life with you, after my life with my family and my children? Did you choose for me to leave so soon? Did you choose to not have a life with me? Mommy I love you from the moment you and daddy created me. I loved every second of our bond together those long and wonderful 24 weeks.

I wish I new what life felt like. I wish I could have gone to school. I wish I could have had a beautiful baby boy just like me. I wish I could hold your hand and tell you that I loved you. Why didn’t you give me that choice? What did I do wrong? Did I do something that made you send me away? I wanted a life with you, but my physical heart has stopped, my hands will never touch yours and my feet will never follow yours. I will never know what it is like to try spinach for the first time or to take my first step or to win my first award. I will never know what it is like to grow or to fall in love or to make the choice to go to college or become a musician. No one will ever know what my voice sounds like or if I would have cured cancer after medical school or if I would have not gone to medical school and become the next president of the United States.

I hope that someday you think of me and know that even though I was not born yet, I still had a brain and a heart. I had arms and legs and lungs. I had hair and eyes and teeth and I could move on my own. I hope you know how much I loved you even though you didn’t love me back. I loved you.

Unnamed Baby Boy

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Posted by on September 26, 2011 in Uncategorized


My Love

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  8 Love never fails.

-1 Corinthians 13: 4-8A

If a hug represented how much I love you, then I would hold you in my arms forever. Love is a fabric which never fades, no matter how often it is washed in the water of adversity and grief. Love has no limits and ours in not the exception. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. The moment I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along. Love is a friendship caught on fire. Love is everything. It is the key to life, and its influences are those that move the world. Love makes the wildest spirit tame, and the tamest spirit wild. If human kind discovered they only had five minutes to say all they wanted to say, every phone line, telephone booth, cell phone, every means of communication, would be occupied by people telling other people that they loved them.Love is the bridge between two hearts.True love stories never have endings. I would rather live and love with Death just ahead, than have eternal life where there is no love. Love is to think about someone else more times in a day than you think of yourself.

“No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won’t make you cry.”-Unknown


“Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.” -Henry VanDyke

Just thinking about you today baby! Love you forever and ever and ever!


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Posted by on September 11, 2011 in Uncategorized


Book 1: Sophie’s Choice – Part 3

I was so excited to write I couldn’t even rad the end of chapter 5. I finally found some time and finished chapter 4 and read most of 5. You know how they some books are hard to get through because the beginning is slow…well this must have been one of these books because I am finding it hard to put it down now. There is a new theme! deception…ooh! I know it is all very exciting and the story is building with such intensity. I am truly not sure what might happen next. So my first suggestion is going to be, if you read this book, read at least through chapter 4. If you don’t make it to chapter 4, shame on you. It gets exciting and thought provoking, so don’t give up.

I would also like to point out that the vocabulary eases up a bit as well. I was really having trouble with those first few chapters, but now there is more speaking from character and less description and background, where valid and useful in telling the story, can sometimes get a bit bulky and weigh the story and effortlessness of reading down.

Back to the new theme of deception! One of the characters is less than truthful with one if not more of the characters and this will cause a big upheaval in the near future I am sure. Finally the excitement and mystery I have been longing for since I started. Finally.

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Posted by on September 9, 2011 in Books and Writing


Book 1: Sophie’s Choice – Part Whenever I actually get around to reading

I feel like I may be letting some of you down, but I have literally had no time at all to read enough to report back on today. What little I have read has been immensely clarifying. Sophie has finally “come out to play” so to speak and is now more of the focus, which is what I was thinking from the beginning. I may write much later or put up another post if I get the chance to at least read a full chapter…this is very sad.


Book 1: Sophie’s Choice – Part 2

On the negative side I have not had much time to read today, but on the plus side I was able to read a lot last night. I enjoy reading slowly in order to really fill my mind with the pictures the author is trying to paint. I just finished Chapter 3 where there was a new development or turn in the story that makes me want to read on to chapter 4, which I will continue to do later on tonight. Two new characters came into play. Both of them opposite of the other as well as exactly the same at the exact same time. Weird I know, but if you read the book you will understand. My goal is to not retell the story in my own words, but to give my thoughts and feelings and emotions towards what I read. I was confused by these chapters in that the two new characters seem to be completely bipolar! Which they might just be. These characters make me mad and sad and confused and frustrated, yet extremely intrigued. The vocabulary is still vast and hard to understand at times, but again, not being the smartest kid on the block, my spelling and grammar is good, but vocab has always been a struggle. I would just like to thank my friends Emily and Laima for helping me through school as far as vocab! Without you I would never have passed!


Book 1: Sophie’s Choice – Part 1

The first book I am reading is from a strong recommendation from my mother for many years now. Sophie’s Choice by William Styron is at first quite difficult to read. Just saying, I am not the most intelligent person in the world and although my spelling and grammar are quite good, my vocabulary sorely lacks. Needless to say learning to read this authors style of writing may take me some time. My goal was to read the first chapter without stopping. I accomplished this and surprisingly retained more than I initially thought I would. I really started getting into the book towards the end of the chapter and am looking forward to reading more hopefully today.

The books beginning is definitely different from what I thought. It’s entirely about the author, which I completely did not expect considering the books title. And from what I have been told that is not what the story is entirely about, but just a preface if you must of the basis of the book and its findings and where it came about. Styron could have written a book entirely about himself and I am sure I would have enjoyed it. His writing style is very wordy but very illustrative and sometimes metaphoric.

I think I will enjoy reading this 600 page book even though it will be a feat for myself considering it is very “adult” in its context and very lengthy. I laugh now thinking I may actually attempt “War and Peace”.  Glad I am starting with a book I have very high interest in reading, considering some of these books I am dreading although may come to love once read.

Until tomorrow…

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Posted by on September 7, 2011 in Books and Writing



For the next four years (three years and three months really) I will be reading the recommended books everyone should read before the age of 30. I have modified it a bit and gone between a couple of different acknowledged lists. I took a popular list and edited out the books I don’t care to read or know I wont be able to make it though. The only book that may be a challenge will be War and Peace merely because of its length. I choose 30 books of different genre’s and lengths from 29 different authors. Only one author is repeated because I wanted to read two of his books from two different lists.

My hope is that I will learn a lot in this process, but I don’t know what to expect or if I will even finish. This only allows for 40 days spent on each book. I know a book or two that may take much longer than that. Right now I have a bit of time on my hands, but in a few weeks I will have little to no time each day. Maybe half an hour or so. Okay, so good luck to me and each day I will blog about what I read or why I didn’t read. The following is the list I plan to read:

  1. 1984 by George Orwell
  2. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
  3. A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
  4. For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway
  5. War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy
  6. The Rights of Man by Tom Paine
  7. The Social Contract by Jean-Jacques Rousseau
  8. One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
  9. The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Graham
  10. The Art of War by Sun Tzu
  11. David Copperfield by Charles Dickens
  12. Catch 22 by Joseph Heller
  13. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
  14. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
  15. Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyersky
  16. The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli
  17. Walden by Henry David Thoreau
  18. Getting Things Done by David Allen
  19. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
  20. The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov
  21. Honeymoon With My Brother by Franz Wisner
  22. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
  23. All Quiet on the Western Front by Enich Maria Remarque
  24. His Dark Materials Trilogy by Philip Pullman
  25. The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
  26. Life of Pi by Yann Martel
  27. Sophie’s Choice by William Styron
  28. Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
  29. The House of Mirth by Edith Wharton
  30. Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut
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Posted by on September 6, 2011 in Books and Writing