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Health Enthusiast

I became a health enthusiast when I was 17 and becoming very serious about dance. From before I can remember I wanted to be a ballerina. I was not exactly a skinny teenager. I was 5’6″ and about 145lbs. I didn’t become worried about the way I looked or my weight until I was not given a role that I wanted. I was the best in the class as far a I was concerned, but I was also convinced that I did not get the role because I was bigger (in height and weight) than all the other girls (who were all younger and had not quite seen puberty or all of puberty yet.) So that summer I was determined to lose weight to get the part. I set up a calendar with diet restrictions, which wasn’t much, and a work out plan. I made sure I was moving every day. Walking, swimming, roller skating, crunches and push ups. At the end of a two month period I was down to 125lbs. 20lbs in two months! I was so excited to go back to class and show everyone the change. Everyone noticed including the artistic director. That coming winter I thought I had sugar plum fairy in the bag, however I was not given the role yet again. That is when I decided Health was more than being skinny and low in weight for a role, but it was great for having energy and feeling great about myself.

Here I am 10 year later and in the need to lose weight. I had a baby 4 years ago via C-section and a major surgery two years later, needless to say my body has gone through a lot and has need to heal fully before the weight comes off. Now I am ready.  I am ready for the weight to come off. Currently at 165lbs I am hoping to go back to my 17 year old weight of 125lbs, however, I have come to the realization that 145lbs is probably a lot more logical and a more realistic goal to have. Over the next few weeks, months, up to, but hopefully before a year, I hope to reach that goal. I am going to go through all the health benefits of organic foods, to the downfalls of artificial sweeteners, and if soy is really the best protein. I will also go though what exercises work best to beat stomach fat, thick thighs, and bat wings.  I am going to take before and after photos, but I will keep the before photos to myself until I am confident enough to show them along with my amazing after photos. Cross your fingers, because here I go.

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Posted by on March 14, 2012 in Uncategorized


Unnamed Baby Boy


I have just been created. By the miracle of life I have been formed. I am only but two cells and you don’t even know I exist yet. I am here and I already love and need you. I know  you feel different and that’s a good thing. It’s your body subconsciously telling you I am here and I love you to the depths of my soul.

I have a notochord which allows me to have brain function. You have not even missed your first period yet, so you still don’t know I am here, but I still love you and can’t wait for the moment you discover I am here loving you. My heart is developing and I know it will grow to love everything about you. I now have a regular heart beat that beats in synchronicity with yours. I have a face and ears and I think I am going to look a lot like you. I hope so, I know you must be beautiful. I would love to grow up and be a doctor someday and understand this exact science of life and how it is created. And I want to be a dad so that I can have lots of little me’s. I can’t wait to learn and go to school and know what it’s like to be a friend, enemy, brother, uncle, nephew, father, class clown, honor student, and sky diver.

32 days old I am today and your heart beat is a little funny. You are making me a little nervous, but I know it’s just excitement and wonder about why your period has not come yet. Don’t worry. As soon as you know I am here with you, I know you will feel so much better.

I am 40 days old today and I think my hands will be big like my fathers and as soon as I am born I will be able to use these awesome new lungs I have developed. I might even be in the guinness book for being able to hold my breath for the longest period of time.

You went on a stick yesterday, I know because you were very tense yet happy at the same time. Your heart skipped a beat and I knew right then and there that you loved me and I was safe and secure and warm and nurtured with you.

I am 45 days old today and we went to the doctor for the first time. You were nervous, but I knew you would do great. You got to hear my heart beat today and you said, “wow.” I know in that moment you were saying I love you and can’t wait to meet you too. Tonight you talked to me until I fell asleep and then this morning you were singing. I love the sound of your voice. It calms me and makes me feel safe and loved. I can’t wait to meet my daddy. I haven’t heard a males voice in a while and was wondering when we would be introduced?

I am 8 weeks old today! Happy birthday to me! We are going to meet my daddy today, I can tell by you rapid heart beat and shallow breaths. You must be so excited because I have never felt you feel this way before. Mommy? Why is daddy yelling? Mommy? Why are you yelling? Everyone stop yelling! I can hear you just fine, but you are both angry and I feel restricted. I wish you could see my scared little face. I have eyelids clenched and I have tightened fists from the restriction, but I know you are just celebrating my upcoming arrival.

Thank you for holding me today. It feels good when I know you are there. I kicked you today and you cried. I hope I didn’t hurt you. I didn’t think I was big enough or strong enough to hurt you. Next week when we go to the doctor you will know my gender and learn that I am going to be a beautiful baby boy. I hope you are okay with that. I promise to be good and not be too gross or rowdy. My daddy will be so happy to know that I am going to be a boy. I can only imagine all the great things we will do when I am older, like riding bikes and learning to play baseball. We will also learn at the doctors visit that I have many functioning internal organs, toe nails and finger nails, eyebrows that are shaped much like my daddy’s, but you won’t know that until I am born. I even will have a little hair on my head, sorry about the heart burn my hair growth causes. Just know that I will have beautiful curly black hair like you when I am born and the heart burn will be worth it.

I am now 20 weeks old and we are on our way to the doctor again. I guess when your pregnant you have to go to the doctor a lot, but I am sure I will learn all of this in medical school when I get older. I am now almost a foot long and weigh about 2 pounds. You can hear my heart beat again and this time it is much stronger than the first time. I can feel you start to cry and you are talking to the doctor or more crying at the doctor. I can tell she is trying to soothe you, but you are still crying. Please mommy don’t cry. I am always here for you and I want you to know that I love you and will be with you forever. When I am born my goal in life will be to protect you and make sure no one ever hurts you or disappoints you or fails you, I know I won’t.

I am 21 weeks old and mommy you haven’t talked to me in a couple of days. I think it has been since we last went to the doctor. You haven’t sang to me, you haven’t played music for me, in fact you have hardly fed me. I hope daddy is taking care of you and making sure you eat properly. I don’t want anything to happen to you. I want you to be healthy as a horse so on the day that I am born we can bond for hours without interruption.

I am 24 weeks old today. If I were born today, with a little luck and a lot of love from you and daddy and the doctors and of course some incubator time, I could be a healthy baby boy in just a couple of months, but meeting you face to face would be worth the incubator time! We are going to the doctors and you still haven’t said much to me lately. Your singing has stopped all together and you eat a lot of junk that makes me kind of sick, and you drink a lot of stuff that makes me feel dizzy a weird. I hope the doctor tells you what you should and should not be ingesting because I am starting to not feel too good. Between the lack of communication and poor diet, I don’t know, I just feel funny.

The doctor is examining you now and your heart beat is racing and you are making me feel really nervous and a little scared. I see a bright light down by my feet! Am I coming out to see you finally after all this time? I can’t wait to meet my loving mother who has carried me for 24 weeks, what a long time it has been. You are so relaxed now, almost like you are asleep, but I hear your voice. I can’t wait to see you! Ouch! I feel like I am being pulled really hard Ouch. Ouch. Mommy that hurts! Why is the doctor hurting me? I see a lot of light, I am very weak and it is getting colder the further out I come. I hope this is not how all births are or that you don’t remember as you get older what birth is like because it is just as painful for the baby as for the mommy. I thought I heard you say, “I don’t want to see it.” I feel so light.

Mommy why can’t I see your face? Why can’t I feel anything? I can’t hear you any more? Mommy where are you? Oh. I see. I see you, but you are very far away. You look sad. But where am I? Something just told me I am in heaven, but how can that be? I thought heaven would be after birth, after my life with you, after my life with my family and my children? Did you choose for me to leave so soon? Did you choose to not have a life with me? Mommy I love you from the moment you and daddy created me. I loved every second of our bond together those long and wonderful 24 weeks.

I wish I new what life felt like. I wish I could have gone to school. I wish I could have had a beautiful baby boy just like me. I wish I could hold your hand and tell you that I loved you. Why didn’t you give me that choice? What did I do wrong? Did I do something that made you send me away? I wanted a life with you, but my physical heart has stopped, my hands will never touch yours and my feet will never follow yours. I will never know what it is like to try spinach for the first time or to take my first step or to win my first award. I will never know what it is like to grow or to fall in love or to make the choice to go to college or become a musician. No one will ever know what my voice sounds like or if I would have cured cancer after medical school or if I would have not gone to medical school and become the next president of the United States.

I hope that someday you think of me and know that even though I was not born yet, I still had a brain and a heart. I had arms and legs and lungs. I had hair and eyes and teeth and I could move on my own. I hope you know how much I loved you even though you didn’t love me back. I loved you.

Unnamed Baby Boy

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Posted by on September 26, 2011 in Uncategorized


My Love

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  8 Love never fails.

-1 Corinthians 13: 4-8A

If a hug represented how much I love you, then I would hold you in my arms forever. Love is a fabric which never fades, no matter how often it is washed in the water of adversity and grief. Love has no limits and ours in not the exception. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. The moment I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along. Love is a friendship caught on fire. Love is everything. It is the key to life, and its influences are those that move the world. Love makes the wildest spirit tame, and the tamest spirit wild. If human kind discovered they only had five minutes to say all they wanted to say, every phone line, telephone booth, cell phone, every means of communication, would be occupied by people telling other people that they loved them.Love is the bridge between two hearts.True love stories never have endings. I would rather live and love with Death just ahead, than have eternal life where there is no love. Love is to think about someone else more times in a day than you think of yourself.

“No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won’t make you cry.”-Unknown


“Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.” -Henry VanDyke

Just thinking about you today baby! Love you forever and ever and ever!


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Posted by on September 11, 2011 in Uncategorized


Book 1: Sophie’s Choice – Part Whenever I actually get around to reading

I feel like I may be letting some of you down, but I have literally had no time at all to read enough to report back on today. What little I have read has been immensely clarifying. Sophie has finally “come out to play” so to speak and is now more of the focus, which is what I was thinking from the beginning. I may write much later or put up another post if I get the chance to at least read a full chapter…this is very sad.


Book 1: Sophie’s Choice – Part 2

On the negative side I have not had much time to read today, but on the plus side I was able to read a lot last night. I enjoy reading slowly in order to really fill my mind with the pictures the author is trying to paint. I just finished Chapter 3 where there was a new development or turn in the story that makes me want to read on to chapter 4, which I will continue to do later on tonight. Two new characters came into play. Both of them opposite of the other as well as exactly the same at the exact same time. Weird I know, but if you read the book you will understand. My goal is to not retell the story in my own words, but to give my thoughts and feelings and emotions towards what I read. I was confused by these chapters in that the two new characters seem to be completely bipolar! Which they might just be. These characters make me mad and sad and confused and frustrated, yet extremely intrigued. The vocabulary is still vast and hard to understand at times, but again, not being the smartest kid on the block, my spelling and grammar is good, but vocab has always been a struggle. I would just like to thank my friends Emily and Laima for helping me through school as far as vocab! Without you I would never have passed!


Where have you gone?

I wrote this earlier today, but somehow it got erased…so here it goes again…p.s. I started from scratch because this was not saved anywhere but here…ugh…anyway…

You were born to a young woman who was confused and scattered and cruel. You were born into a world of abuse, drugs, and tragedy. You were beaten and called evil names. You were unwanted by the very people that created you. To them you were trash, garbage, a waste of time and space. You witnessed horrifying things; you were surrounded by hell itself. Dark walls and a red ceiling, smoke in the background through a green/grey light, and shadowy creatures filled your little sight every day and night for three years of your young and beginning life.

Then salvation, the light, a way out of the darkness, the beatings, and the broken bones; away from this torture that you now knew as life and love and home.You were whisked away by people with a life and love and expectations. People who had hand picked you. People who were unpretentious in thinking if one was good, two would be better. Now out of the hell you were once in, the walls you had built up to hide and protect your emotion, your thoughts, you credulous self, now visible to all. An onion with many layers made of steel and stone. To you love is hate. To you caring is selfishness. To you home is hell, no matter where it is.

Outside everything was cheery and flowery and bubbly; inside was black and damp and sorrowful. Day to day was filled with fights and fists and fall outs, yelling and screaming and crying. Hell was back in a new way, but no one knew why or how. Communication lacked in a tremendous way, but you really didn’t know how. How you communicated and how others expected you to communicate were completely different ideals. There were long nights of empty tummies and many days spent in a small dark room and many months you were barely even allowed to speak and others were favored over you for many long and disheartening years.

Many years came and many years went. All the same. Then the day came when you left. Left the people who were to naive to try and make you stay. At first you were still in touch with many of the people you had left, then one by one they dissipated. Slowly they all lost your phone number or you address or both, slowly they forgot or at least pretended to. You hurt them in ways they never thought they had hurt you, but you had to escape, flee, fly away from all the hell in your life. You were looking to start anew. You wanted to relinquish your life as it was and make thing not so ugly. You lived eighteen long years in places you never wanted to be in, so you vanished.

Where did you go? Where have you gone? Did you fulfill all your life’s dreams? Or travel to places I have never seen? Has life been good to you or has it been just as cruel as it was before? Do you have any regrets or any sorrow? Do you have things you wish had gone unsaid or things your dying to say now? Are you living in a place that’s nice and warm or cold and blistery? Are you safe? Are you scared? Are you happy? Are you lonely? Are you where you want to be or some place you wish you weren’t? Are you in an icy cold cage or a bed full of roses? Are you living a full and plentiful life or are you living in the mud six feet under? Where have you gone my little sister?

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Posted by on September 5, 2011 in Uncategorized


Birthday for Big Girls

Birthday for Big Girls.

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Posted by on September 1, 2011 in Uncategorized